Yesterday's visit can only be described as bipolar. When we got there, Hope's unit was having gym time, and we were able to join them there. She was in a good mood, and it was so nice for our kids to just be able to play together. Their smiles were priceless. Families were able to have lunch with the patients, so we did share a holiday meal. The food was rather institutional, but they tried. There was turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, even pumpkin pie. The food was clearly instant/prepackaged, and honestly, not at all good, but it was her holiday meal, and I was so happy to be able to share it with her. (I'm pretty sure she only ate some potatoes and pie, but she was also happy to devour a York peppermint patty that we may have smuggled in.) After lunch, we went to a visitation room, where we played a few games of Uno. She started to seem sort of spaced out during the second game. She wasn't really following the conversation, she was mostly just staring, and you could read on her face that she was struggling to stay engaged. After the third game, she said she didn't really want to play another one. It was clear that her mood had gotten away from her, and slipped into something she couldn't shake. I asked if there was anything specific bothering her, or anything she wanted to talk about, and she said that as usual, it wasn't anything she could explain, and wasn't triggered by anything. It just happens, and she's sort of helpless against it. These are the times when, if she were at home, she would go to her room, or say she's feeling tired, or sit in front of the TV (because if you appear to be watching, no one tries to talk to you.) Sitting there with us, there was just nothing she could do to hide it, and we all sat there not knowing what to do. I asked if she was ready for us to go, though we hadn't planned to leave for another half an hour, and she said she was. It wasn't personal, of course; she just couldn't be "on" any longer. She cried throughout those last few minutes, which is not something she often does publicly. She gave us all hugs that lingered longer than usual, and then gave another round of hugs. And then we left. It was the hardest visit we've had yet, and leaving her like that left me completely broken.
I was able to talk to her briefly last night. They can have a little phone time each evening. On weekdays, that time falls during visitation, but if they don't have visitors, they can have a call. On weekends and holidays, the phone time is still at the same time in the evening, even though visitation time is earlier. Those are bonus days, because it's possible for us to see her, and then also talk to her later. Calls are limited to ten minutes, but our time is all very precious right now. She said she didn't feel any better than she had earlier, and she sounded so small, and so sad. I asked if these worst-case moods usually passed in a few hours, and she said no, it's just that she usually wakes up the next day feeling somewhat better. Better is a relative term these days; it may mean only that her pain is at a level where she can still function. In the best of times, though, she is able to laugh, and find some enjoyment in life. The sadness is there underneath, but at least there are times when there is happiness along with it.
I don't know if I breathed between leaving her yesterday and talking to her tonight. When she called tonight, she sounded relaxed. She joked about the bad food there, and about what she wanted to have when she gets out. She asked about the dog and the cat. (As an aside, we used to have two cats. One died earlier this month, as if that's what my kids needed. You know what they say... when it rains, it pours.) After yesterday's visit finished on such a bad note, and last night's phone call was the same, I was so relieved to hear her sounding like herself tonight.
And now for the "giving thanks" part of Thanksgiving.
- I am so, so thankful that our girl is still here with us. We could have lost her. Just the fact that she is here is such a blessing. If I had absolutely nothing else for which to be thankful, that would be enough.
- I am thankful for the outpouring of support we've received in the last few days. After keeping this struggle to ourselves and a very select few for months, we finally decided that a light needed to be shined on it, that our girl needed the prayers and support of others, and that we needed to be out there for others to find. The reception has been amazing. We've gotten so much encouragement and support, so many prayers, so many kind words. We have heard from so many people, many of whom we have known for years, about struggles we never knew they'd faced. It is overwhelming, and brings tears to my eyes just thinking of how many people love our girl.
- I am thankful that we are able to get Hope the help she needs. I know that my last post complained of being woefully under-insured for mental health, but at least we are able to get her the care she needs. We live in a country where we have access to great care. We live in a time when there is education about it, and no shame in seeking help. We may be racking up medical debt at a mind-blowing rate right now, but there is nothing more important than the fact that she is getting help.
- I am thankful for my beautiful family. Things may not look the way that I imagined they would be, but I truly do have the most amazing little family. I am blessed beyond belief.
- I am thankful that even when I don't understand what is happening, or what the plan is for our lives, I know who does. The Creator of the entire universe loves my little family, and is holding us in His hands. He will carry us through this.
I assure you that this is not all there is to be thankful for. I don't want to drone on forever, but I could. ;) No matter what circumstances you find yourself in, there is always so much to be thankful for. Don't get me wrong, I am not always mature enough to see it that way. I have my share of "it's not fair" and "why me" tantrums. Fortunately, His grace and His mercy are endless, and He holds and comforts me until my eyes are clear enough to see the goodness all around me once again.
I hope that your Thanksgiving was a good one, spent with those you love. I hope your life is filled with things for which you are thankful. If you're reading this blog, I want you to know that I am also thankful for you, and your concern for my sweet Hope.
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