Friendship

Those of you who love my girl will just melt at today's story. Let me start with a little background. For the last couple years, Hope has struggled with the whole realm of friendship. We moved halfway across the country four years ago. Hope made some friends, but initially, they were mostly just people she knew. She would see certain people at the activities they had in common, and maybe even hang out with them a time or two outside that. She had just a few that become closer than that, and most of her time was spent with just one best friend. Then, less than a year after settling in here, and before developing a rich, deep pool of friends, she got sick. The friends she didn't know that well gradually feel away as she withdrew, dropped those shared activities, etc. One close friend moved away. Then there was a big, irreparable falling out with the best friend. Hope was essentially alone.

Now, I don't want to downplay the fact that there have been some sweet girls in Hope's life. There is a group of girls who have included her in outings and activities. There are some great girls in her youth group at church who support her, pray for her, treat her kindly. There are some girls who always go out of their way to speak to her, even when she's not very reciprocal. In spite of these things, she has felt alone. She'll say that she doesn't have any friends. Sometimes she'll say she hates teen girls and all the stupid drama they too often bring, or that she'll never let herself get burned again. Sometimes, though, she'll open up and admit that she feels lonely, that she's jealous of her little brother's active social life, jealous of the girls around her who all seem to have at least someone. She'll acknowledge that yes, there are people in her life, but has felt like it's their moms who make sure she's included. She'll say that they're nice to her on those occasions when she sees them, but she doesn't feel connected outside of those times. No one calls or texts her. There's no one she reaches out to when she sees something funny, or has a hard day. 

Teen girls should have their girls. Guys come and go, parents are parents, but the one steady thing should be your girls. She doesn't have that. And I don't blame the girls around her. She's not always easy to crack. She's not always comfortable around people, she feels like she's so different that she doesn't know how to fit in or that people can't just like her for who she is. After the falling out with the former best friend, there's now no one in her life who knew her before she was sick. And the girls who are there, who have been so good to her even as she is, are very special to me. She's not easy to befriend, though. She goes through periods of time where she's so withdrawn and find it difficult to be with people. The girls who have continued to be friendly with her have accepted that she's sometimes funny and engaging, and other times she'll say hello and retreat as quickly as possible, which I'd imagine feels like rejection if you don't know how hard it sometimes is for her to interact. Being friends with someone as ill as Hope realistically means that you may shoulder more of the friendship balance. I don't want to suggest that she only takes and can give nothing. She is incredibly loyal and kindhearted, and those she loves, she lives fiercely. When she's in her more stable times, she's quick witted and fun to be around. I also think she's inspirational to many. Being friends with her is definitely not a one sided endeavor, but I also realize that it has its challenges.

One of the girls who is dearest to my heart is Amity. (As always, this is not her real name. I've chosen to call her Amity here, because that means friendship.) Amity is the only friend who has visited Hlope in a hospital. She reads this blog (with her parents' permission) and understands exactly what's going on with Hope. And she has never ceased in her support or love of our sweet girl. Those invitations to participate in group outings I mentioned? They always come from Amity or her mom. (Her mama is one of my favorites! But this is Amity's story.) When she learned of the current hospitalization, and especially that there was conversation about residential being a possibility, she was shaken. Her sweet mama offered to bring some girls on a road trip to visit Hope. Unfortunately, she's in a facility that allows minors only if they're siblings. So, she did what she could do. She wrote a letter. I'm sharing here, with your permission. I'll warn you, though, if any piece of your heart is with Hope, this will make you cry. These are the words of a beautiful 15 year old girl:

[Hope],

     I wish that I could be wherever you are right now and give you a hug. So pretend I'm there, I've wrapped my arms around you and am holding you tightly. I won't let go.

     I know that I don't understand what you're going through. There is no way I, or anyone, ever could. But I wish there was someone for you that did. I don't want you to ever feel alone.

     You are so strong, I hope you realize that. You've been through more on these past couple of years than most experience in a thousand lifetimes. I know that it gets bad, but you always come out on top. You always win. Everyday you win.

     If you are able to write back or something like that, please do. I want to hear from you. I want to know how you are doing. 

     I hope you know that you can tell me anything. And I mean anything. You've been one of my good friends since [activity], and nothing will ever change that. I don't understand what you're going through, but I try to get as close as I can.

     Every Wednesday, I have [church activity.] We have a thirty minute small group with our age and gender each night. At the end, before we pray, my leader asks for prayer requests. I always ask to pray for my friend, Hope. (My small group girls have been hearing about you since 2013.) Most of the times, I get really teary and choked up. Getting me to cry in public, if you weren't aware, is a nearly impossible task. 

     You have inspired me in so many ways. I am honored to call you my friend. It's always more fun when you come to [activity.] I feel like I can be more real with you than anyone else, and I hope you feel that way too. I enjoy talking about [interest] and hearing your insights on various topics. 

     I will write again soon, I promise. I'm sorry this is really the only thing I can do for you. If I could visit, I would. I wish I could do more.

     It's Never Too Late. [This is a song Hope likes.]

Love, 

Amity

Are you sobbing? Is your heart so overflowing with the love that this sweet girl expresses so eloquently? Want to hear who rose reacted that way? Hope did. This is the girl who thinks she has no friends. This is the girl who thinks that people are nice to her because they're decent people, but don't care about her personally. She wept. Like, uncontrolled sobbing. I asked if she was sad and she said no, just really happy. When she calmed down enough to explain, she said that she knew her family loved her, and that we have some really great (adult) friends who do, too, but that she hasn't felt loved by a friend in such a long time, and never since she was sick. The girl who has spent two years lonely felt the love of a friend, and her heart just overflowed in the most beautifully heartbreaking way I've ever seen. She wrote back right away, and is looking forward to seeing Amity as soon as she is able to go home.

There are few things in the world as powerful as friendship and acceptance. Honestly, these things have been offered to her all along, but she didn't recognize them. She was too wounded to believe that kindness was just plain kindness, not pity or some interaction that someone's mom was orchestrating. Her illness made her feel so insecure and broken that she was sure she couldn't be loved or accepted by peers in any way other than maybe some pity invitations. And because one girl chose to pour her heart out, because of one simple letter, her view of herself and the world has changed. 

We've loved Hope forever. Many of you love her. She appreciates all of it, and recognizes how lucky she is to have the support system she has. The only thing she has felt is missing is friends her age, and that's something I couldn't give her. My heart is so full of gratitude for the girl who changed the game for Hope simply by saying I'm here, I have been here, and I will be here. Please take a lesson from Amity and tell someone how you feel. Don't assume they know, don't assume they don't need to have it spelled out for them. Tell them. It may have more impact than you could possibly have imagined.

P.S. I'm posting from my phone. It doesn't like the browser I'm using. I can't even scroll back up to see more than what's currently on my screen, so no checking for typos or rereading for clarity. Please  excuse any typos, the odd font, the fact that I can't get back up to add a quote to the top, etc. I'm working with what I've got!